Fill the blank: Tiger Woods giving Charles Barkley a golf lesson is like _______________.

Michelangelo teaching a fourth-grade art class? Emeril heating up a can of Chef Boyardee? Herbert Warren Wind helping me write a golf column?

Well, on Tuesday, Barkley, owner of one of the game's most ugly swings, got some driving-range tips from Woods, who owns one of the smoothest. Appearing on Dan Patrick's radio show Wednesday morning (and sounding like the show was way too early for him), Barkley said that he's been working on his game with Woods and instructor Hank Haney. The garrulous Barkley was surprisingly circumspect about it though.

Patrick worked Barkley over for some more Woods nuggets and got some good stuff. We learned 1. Barkley gets a stroke a hole when he plays Woods. ("It should be more but no self-respecting man can ask for more than one stroke a hole.") 2. He and Woods will bet on golf, but never for serious money. ("It's Monopoly money.") 3. Woods and Michael Jordan have the same competitive fire. ("They are far and away the two most competitive guys I've ever met in my entire life.")

But trash-talking is no contest. Jordan wins it hands-down.

"No one talks trash better than Michael Jordan in the history of society," Barkley said. How good is Jordan? When Barkley is lining up a big putt, Jordan will say, "He can't make this. He never won anything."